use fucking emoticons in work emails. Oh - I’m glad you used that fucking smiley face. OTHERWISE I MIGHT NOT HAVE REALISED YOU WERE MAKING A SHITTY JOKE. Credit me with some intelligence please. You’re not in the fucking common room texting your stupid girlfriend any more. You’re in a position of authority. Fucking act like it.
Set up new facebook accounts, for ‘friends’ only. Wasn’t that the point in the first place?! YOU WOULDN’T HAVE TO BOTHER HAD YOU NOT STARTED ADDING ANY OLD DICKHEAD WITH A PAIR OF TITS YOU WANTED TO CREAM OVER.
wear boat shoes, without socks, and roll up the bottom of their trousers. Are you on a boat? No, you’re not. YOU’RE IN A FUCKING OFFICE!
tag photographs of babies and small children as their parents on goddamn Facebook. WE KNOW IT’S YOUR CHILD! YOU UPLOADED THE PHOTO! It’s better than creating an actual account for your offspring. I’ve not seen anyone I know do this yet, but be warned: If you do this, I will never speak to you ever again.
Look at this! It’s a grainy photograph of some high-class pretentious steak on a wooden board that I’m eating in some bullshit restaurant! Oh! Look at this! I made some fucking stupid cupcakes! What’s that? That’s that really awesome band I saw the other night! You can just about see them! Look at this new tattoo I’ve got! And here - MORE PICTURES OF FUCKING FOOD! MORE! LOOK AT ME AND MY FRIENDS IN THE PARK! WE’RE PLAYING FUCKING FRISBEE! I’M ON A PLANE! I’VE GOT TO TURN MY PHONE OFF THOUGH. WE’RE ABOUT TO TAKE OFF. I can’t wait until Facebook inevitably ruins it. I’m sick of it. Go back to using Hipstamatic.
will stand in nightclubs with their significant others, in full view of everyone, eating face. Why don’t you just go home and fuck? If anything it’ll save you money in the long run, and you might even enjoy it.
get their girlfriends/wives/respective others to ask a DJ for a request. Come on dude. Seriously. Grow a pair of balls. If you really want to hear a shitty song by Avenged Sevenfold or Zebrahead, don’t be embarrassed by it. Don’t get someone else to do your bidding. What’s the worst that could happen? The DJ will laugh in your face? Or politely decline? It’s not your girlfriend’s fault that you like shitty music. Why put that on her? How does that make you look in her eyes? It belittles you as a human being. Don’t be ashamed of your poor taste. Show some fucking conviction.
Set up Facebook pages, Twitter accounts, blogs and other internet social networking bullshit for their fucking PETS.
Or just drinking games in general. I like to play just one drinking game, where I have a few drinks, and when I feel I’ve had enough, I go to bed.
You’ve seen these people; walking about in their casual attire, can of Stella in one hand and a Lambert & Butler in the other. At ten o’clock in the morning. The sort of people who think it acceptable to remove their shirts at the first glimpse of sunshine. You’ve seen their flabby torsos, adorned with a litany of shitty tattoos. You’ve seen them pass out in a park somewhere, only to emerge a few hours later looking like a boiled lobster. Show some fucking decorum. Put that shirt back on.