use fucking emoticons in work emails. Oh - I’m glad you used that fucking smiley face. OTHERWISE I MIGHT NOT HAVE REALISED YOU WERE MAKING A SHITTY JOKE. Credit me with some intelligence please. You’re not in the fucking common room texting your stupid girlfriend any more. You’re in a position of authority. Fucking act like it.
A comprehensive list of people, inanimate objects, situations, behaviours, and general 'things' which grind my gears.
February 27, 2013
40. GROWN MEN WHO
August 20, 2012
39. People who
Set up new facebook accounts, for ‘friends’ only. Wasn’t that the point in the first place?! YOU WOULDN’T HAVE TO BOTHER HAD YOU NOT STARTED ADDING ANY OLD DICKHEAD WITH A PAIR OF TITS YOU WANTED TO CREAM OVER.
July 12, 2012
38. People who
wear boat shoes, without socks, and roll up the bottom of their trousers. Are you on a boat? No, you’re not. YOU’RE IN A FUCKING OFFICE!
June 27, 2012
37. People who
tag photographs of babies and small children as their parents on goddamn Facebook. WE KNOW IT’S YOUR CHILD! YOU UPLOADED THE PHOTO! It’s better than creating an actual account for your offspring. I’ve not seen anyone I know do this yet, but be warned: If you do this, I will never speak to you ever again.
June 1, 2012
36. Instagram.
Look at this! It’s a grainy photograph of some high-class pretentious steak on a wooden board that I’m eating in some bullshit restaurant! Oh! Look at this! I made some fucking stupid cupcakes! What’s that? That’s that really awesome band I saw the other night! You can just about see them! Look at this new tattoo I’ve got! And here - MORE PICTURES OF FUCKING FOOD! MORE! LOOK AT ME AND MY FRIENDS IN THE PARK! WE’RE PLAYING FUCKING FRISBEE! I’M ON A PLANE! I’VE GOT TO TURN MY PHONE OFF THOUGH. WE’RE ABOUT TO TAKE OFF. I can’t wait until Facebook inevitably ruins it. I’m sick of it. Go back to using Hipstamatic.
January 22, 2012
35. People who
will stand in nightclubs with their significant others, in full view of everyone, eating face. Why don’t you just go home and fuck? If anything it’ll save you money in the long run, and you might even enjoy it.
January 1, 2012
34. ‘Men’ who
get their girlfriends/wives/respective others to ask a DJ for a request. Come on dude. Seriously. Grow a pair of balls. If you really want to hear a shitty song by Avenged Sevenfold or Zebrahead, don’t be embarrassed by it. Don’t get someone else to do your bidding. What’s the worst that could happen? The DJ will laugh in your face? Or politely decline? It’s not your girlfriend’s fault that you like shitty music. Why put that on her? How does that make you look in her eyes? It belittles you as a human being. Don’t be ashamed of your poor taste. Show some fucking conviction.
November 1, 2011
33. People who
Set up Facebook pages, Twitter accounts, blogs and other internet social networking bullshit for their fucking PETS.
July 16, 2011
32. Pub golf
Or just drinking games in general. I like to play just one drinking game, where I have a few drinks, and when I feel I’ve had enough, I go to bed.
June 27, 2011
31. Shirtless idiots.
You’ve seen these people; walking about in their casual attire, can of Stella in one hand and a Lambert & Butler in the other. At ten o’clock in the morning. The sort of people who think it acceptable to remove their shirts at the first glimpse of sunshine. You’ve seen their flabby torsos, adorned with a litany of shitty tattoos. You’ve seen them pass out in a park somewhere, only to emerge a few hours later looking like a boiled lobster. Show some fucking decorum. Put that shirt back on.
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